I am not trying to be funny. This is my life.

Holiday Weight Loss Tips

November 27th, 2008

Around the holidays, we all like to overeat to show our relatives and coworkers that we appreciate the good meal they have put before us. But if you are vain, like I am, you also want to be in shape for the holidays, so that you can show all the people you don’t see very often that you have achieved success and are taking care of yourself. No one likes to hear whispers behind them like “Wow, that bastard really let himself go. Remember when he was skinny?” “Yeah, what the fuck happened?” At least that’s what it might sound like on Christmas Day at my Grandma’s house.

So, we are left with a dilemma: How do we overeat for an entire month, and not look like a disgusting blob by the time the ball drops on New Year’s Eve? This is where I can help. The trick is to cut dietary corners at all the meals that are not celebratory. If you lower your intake at all other times, you can gorge yourself without fear when the time comes. And you will need to gorge yourself, because you are going to be fucking hungry when the time comes. Just follow rdesigno.com’s Top 7 Weight Loss Tips:

(1) If you are hungry, drink water. It is calorie free and you can really taste the moisture.

(2) Think about motorcycles. It worked for Nelson’s teeth on the Simpsons, so it will also work for your stomach. Remember “Sometimes my teeth hurt, but then I just think about motorcycles”?

(3) Drink beer for dinner. You will go to bed drunk and hungry, the perfect combination.

(4) Have a handful of Captain Crunch for dessert.

(5) Play video games for dinner. This is lowest calorie option, but not the least healthy.

(6) Eat rotten food so you lose your appetite and don’t eat very much. Bonus: You might puke up all the food you ate that day!

(7) Smoke cigarettes. If you don’t smoke, the holiday season is a great time to start. Cigarettes will fool your body into thinking it is getting nourished, but the joke is on you, body. You aren’t getting anything. HA!

Environmentalism-How Pack Rats Help to Save The Planet

October 19th, 2008

People give pack rats a hard time. “Why do you save all that crap?”, people ask. Because I might need it later, and it is perfectly useful. There is enough stuff going to landfills without putting useful stuff there too. Do you work for the pro-garbage league? Do you get a kick out of destroying everything?

I am a pack rat, and I often have conversations like this with “haste wasters”, the opposite of pack rats, the people who value empty space over saving useful stuff until they need it. In my collection, I have 20 pairs of shoe laces, 23 square yards of fabric that will some day be used to make a five-ply quilt, 15 pairs of scissors, 4 box fans rescued from the curb, 5 sheets of ply-wood, 704 blank envelopes of different shapes and colors, 10 patched bicycle inner tubes, a dozen elastic bands cut off worn out underwear, two industrial size rolls of bubble wrap and 27 cardboard boxes I will use when I move to a new house. The pack rat lifestyle is all about planning ahead. Before you commit anything to a land fill, think to yourself, “Does this have the potential to be useful, to anyone, at anytime in the future?” If you can honestly answer no, then by all means, chuck it. But don’t lie about it, the earth probably knows where you live.

One Million Steps to Greatness part 3

September 18th, 2008

(79) Don’t pay attention to stop lights as you run back to the office. (80) Step out in front of a man driving an electric scooter the wrong way on 18th Street. (81) Allow the man to run over your foot. (81a) Sit down in a chair reserved for al fresco dining. (81a) Remove shoe. (81b) Remove sock. (81c) Make sure your foot is not broken. (82) Realize your foot is broken. (83) Call the hospital on your cell phone. (84) Ask how much it costs to take an ambulance to the hospital. (85) Put shoe back on. (85a) Stand up. (86) Limp out to curb. (87) Hail a cab. (88) Tell driver to take you to the hospital.  (89) Get out of car. (90) Listen to the driver yell at you in an unfamiliar dialect. (91) Realize you did not pay him. (92) Pay the asshole. (93) Limp into hospital. (94) Follow signs to Emergency Room. (94a) Get sick of waiting. (94b) Leave emergency room. (94c) Follow signs to Foot Doctor. (95) Push “up” button. (96) Get in elevator. (97) Push “5” button. (98) Move over to allow space for others in elevator. (99) Scream obscenities at the woman standing on your foot. (100) Get out of elevator. (101) Find a garbage can. (101a) Remove shoe while balancing against the wall. (101b) Dump blood out of shoe into garbage can. (101c) Put on shoe. (102) Answer cell phone. (103) Tell production manager you won’t be coming to the meeting because you have a broken foot. (104) Wipe blood off cell phone. (105) Put phone in pocket. (106) Get foot fixed. (107) Listen to the doctors joke about your injury in the next room. (108) Think about what their heads would look like in an aquarium full of embalming fluid on you desk. (109) Laugh. (110) Take a cab back to the office. (111) Tell copy editor where you have been for the last five hours. (112) Restart computer. (113) Check e-mail.

One Million Steps to Greatness part 2

August 30th, 2008

(51) Go to hallway. (52) Push down button. (53) Get in elevator. (54) Step sideways to allow space for lawyers in elevator. (54a) Smell seven different brands of cologne. (54b) Start to feel sick from the smell of cologne. (55) Ask copy editor if he knows what group of professionals typically has wives and lovers that are dirty rotten whores. (55a) Wait for the copy editor to shrug his shoulders. (56) Say “Lawyers”. (57) Watch daylight appear between the elevator doors. (58) Punch your way through the vaporous cloud of stink. (59) Run outside. (59a) Wait for the copy editor around the corner. (60) Ask the copy editor what took him so long. (61) Listen to the copy editor tell you the lawyers didn’t like your joke. (62) Say it wasn’t a joke. That it can be proven with math. (63) Take out notepad. (63a) Write down the logarithm used to explain the whorish nature of lawyers’ wives. (63b) Show it to the copy editor. (64) Watch the copy editor nod his head in agreement. (65) Walk up to counter. (66) Tell the hostess that four more people are on the way. (67) Sit down at the table. (68) Order a diet coke. (69) Order onion rings. (70) Order seared tuna. (71) Eat food. (72) Make conversation with coworkers about world events. (73) Act like a caring person. (74) Ask for a second diet coke. (75) Look at watch. (76) Realize you are late for a meeting with the production manager. (77) Pay bill. (78) Run back to office.

One Million Steps to Greatness
part 1

August 15th, 2008

(1) Wake up. (2) Hit snooze. (3) Wake up. (4) Hit snooze. (5) Wake up. (5a) Listen to NPR. (5b) Find out traffic is jammed on the Blue Route. (5c) Find out Chinese Women’s Gymnastic Team is made up of 12 year-olds. (6) Hit Snooze. (7) Wake up. (8) Think about coffee. (9) Get out of bed. (10) Take apart stove-top percolator. (11) Clean out whatever is growing in bottom chamber of stove-top percolator. (11a) Think about what that stuff could be. (12) Fill machine with water. (13) Realize there is no more coffee. (14) Punch refrigerator. (15) Fill large coffee cup with water. (15a) Look for tea. (16) Put tea bag in cup. (17) Microwave for 00:02:34. (18) Open Microwave. (19) Drink tea. (20) Burn mouth. (21) Put down cup. (22) Turn on TV. (23) Eat cereal. (24) Drink tea. (25) Carry bicycle outside. (26) Check tires. (27) Ride bicycle to town. (28) Get cut off by Ford Excursion. (29) Continue riding bicycle up to red light. (30) Slap hood of Ford Excursion as you ride by on bicycle. (31) Listen to Ford Excursion driver yell obscenities. (32) Continue riding bicycle. (33) Look back to see Ford Excursion stuck in traffic. (34) Ride bicycle up on sidewalk. (35) Dismount. (35a) Lock up bicycle. (35b) Take off helmet. (36) Push “up” button. (37) Get in elevator. (38) Say hello to receptionist. (39) Sit in chair. (40) Say hello to copy editor. (41) Say hello to photographer. (42) Take off sneakers. (42a) Put on loafers. (43) Unroll pants. (44) Say hello to production manager. (45) Turn on computer. (45a) Click “check for updates”. (46) Work on advertisement. (47) Reduce point size of body copy. (48) Increase logo size by 54%, as requested by client. (49) Make fun of client with copy editor. (49a) Laugh. (49b) Listen to copy editor laugh. (50) Log billable hours.

Golfer Spotted on Bus–
Going Green?

August 10th, 2008

During a recent bus ride I spotted a golfer on the bus. Are green marketing tactics finally affecting people? Or is the economy so bad that even golfers, a species once famous for driving fancy cars and being really cool, are being forced to cut corners like every one else.

This brings up a great point though.* Could going green actually save us money? Yes, and being a cheap skate is the greatest immediate logistical reason to go green. Barack Obama is right about checking our tire pressure, but this is only the beginning.

I propose we have separate buses for the rich. While this harbinger pictured below was willing to swallow his pride and cram on the shame train with the rest of us, golf clubs and all, most golfers are not willing to make this sacrifice. Having separate “Rich Person Motor Coaches” (a normal bus repainted to look like wood paneling) would encourage them to conserve resources by using semi-public transportation. It would also mean less drunk golfers on the road, fewer pedestrian casualties, and as a result fewer people in the hospital using up electricity to run their life support mechanisms. This would snowball into a giant slip ‘n’ slide of environmental savings. Let’s do it.

If I can change, and golfers can change, we all can change.

*NOTE: This does not “beg the question“. If you thought it did, please click on the link and do some reading, so that next time you are in a meeting, you can use this phrase correctly and not degrade this language any further. Thank you.

The Moment of Truth Returns August 28 on FOX

August 5th, 2008

It has been months since the season finale of The Moment of Truth on FOX. I knew something had been missing from my weekly routine and on August 28, 2008 I can get back to feeling good about myself, by comparing myself to the scumbags on this show. Great.

There is something amazing about a show that pays people to ruin their lives on national television. This isn’t some Real World garbage, where at the end they shake hands and go their separate ways. These people are ruining their real lives that they have to go home to at the end of the show. Any honest person will tell you they love gossip, and this show is like rocket powered gossip that sells crack to grade school kids and then screws every person in your office. Good job FOX. No one knows as much about being a big sack of scumbags like FOX does, just ask Nas.

What I Haven’t Seen Before- Part 1

August 1st, 2008

1. A lamp made of candy

2. A space train to the moon

3. The largest bale of snakes on the east coast

4. Eyeball stew

5. A sailboat popping a wheelie

6. The man with a mustache made of fingernails

7. Pinstripe Vodka

8. A person who can outsmart a computer

9. A monkey that can outsmart a person

10. A tuxedo made of garbage bags

NOTE: If either of the people who read my blog have seen any of this stuff, please let me know. We will corner the market and get rich the next day. Keep in touch. Thanks.

Tie Knots-Part 1

July 28th, 2008

There are five legitimate ways to make a tie knot, not counting the bow tie. From largest to smallest they are as follows: Windsor, Half-Windsor, Prince Albert, Four-in-Hand, and the Small Knot. Some will tell you there are six, including the Cross Knot, but most people of decent breeding will tell you that the cross knot is simply a botched version of the Half-Windsor. Instead of making up new ways to tie their ties, these six-knot citizens should go work at a soup kitchen.

With that gristle out of the way, now for the meat of the story. First we must learn to tie the five knots. Brooks Brothers has come up with a great lesson plan on knot tying. Find an old tie that you don’t mind wearing out, and get these down. In modern society tie knots are as important as sailing knots were to the ancient seagoing people of Crete. The Cretans used knots to hold the sails that propelled their ships. We use knots to hold our heads on, so that we can be propelled into the stormy sea of business.

In Part 2, we will learn how to use these knots in our everyday life

r designo ties one off

The Generation Gap-An Easy Fix

July 23rd, 2008

I hear talk lately about the generation gap. It keeps getting bigger and I blame child labor laws. After being coddled their entire lives, today’s youth are suddenly thrown into the work place once they get kicked out of college. This just isn’t good enough.

Child Labor Laws came about to protect the elderly and the washed-up from having their jobs taken by children. These incompetent chumps are being protected from ambitious young people, who would steal their jobs as coal miners, milk delivery personnel, and oil executives if not for these outdated and cumbersome regulations.

Child Labor Laws are causing the generation gap to widen and need to be repealed. Before these laws, generations of men and women would work side by side as equals. Each generation being immersed in the rich culture of the previous generation, as they came of age in the work place. Today these laws have caused generations to fall out of sync with each other, with each generation inventing its own hodgepodge of untempered ideals. This is the source of most of today’s problems.

These laws only benefit people whose jobs could be done by children, and hurt society as a whole. Seriously, if you call out sick and get replaced by an eight year old, that’s your problem.

Hey Kid, Get Back to Work! Don\'t let some geezer take your job.