Archive for November, 2008

Holiday Weight Loss Tips

Thursday, November 27th, 2008

Around the holidays, we all like to overeat to show our relatives and coworkers that we appreciate the good meal they have put before us. But if you are vain, like I am, you also want to be in shape for the holidays, so that you can show all the people you don’t see very often that you have achieved success and are taking care of yourself. No one likes to hear whispers behind them like “Wow, that bastard really let himself go. Remember when he was skinny?” “Yeah, what the fuck happened?” At least that’s what it might sound like on Christmas Day at my Grandma’s house.

So, we are left with a dilemma: How do we overeat for an entire month, and not look like a disgusting blob by the time the ball drops on New Year’s Eve? This is where I can help. The trick is to cut dietary corners at all the meals that are not celebratory. If you lower your intake at all other times, you can gorge yourself without fear when the time comes. And you will need to gorge yourself, because you are going to be fucking hungry when the time comes. Just follow’s Top 7 Weight Loss Tips:

(1) If you are hungry, drink water. It is calorie free and you can really taste the moisture.

(2) Think about motorcycles. It worked for Nelson’s teeth on the Simpsons, so it will also work for your stomach. Remember “Sometimes my teeth hurt, but then I just think about motorcycles”?

(3) Drink beer for dinner. You will go to bed drunk and hungry, the perfect combination.

(4) Have a handful of Captain Crunch for dessert.

(5) Play video games for dinner. This is lowest calorie option, but not the least healthy.

(6) Eat rotten food so you lose your appetite and don’t eat very much. Bonus: You might puke up all the food you ate that day!

(7) Smoke cigarettes. If you don’t smoke, the holiday season is a great time to start. Cigarettes will fool your body into thinking it is getting nourished, but the joke is on you, body. You aren’t getting anything. HA!