Archive for August, 2008

One Million Steps to Greatness part 2

Saturday, August 30th, 2008

(51) Go to hallway. (52) Push down button. (53) Get in elevator. (54) Step sideways to allow space for lawyers in elevator. (54a) Smell seven different brands of cologne. (54b) Start to feel sick from the smell of cologne. (55) Ask copy editor if he knows what group of professionals typically has wives and lovers that are dirty rotten whores. (55a) Wait for the copy editor to shrug his shoulders. (56) Say “Lawyers”. (57) Watch daylight appear between the elevator doors. (58) Punch your way through the vaporous cloud of stink. (59) Run outside. (59a) Wait for the copy editor around the corner. (60) Ask the copy editor what took him so long. (61) Listen to the copy editor tell you the lawyers didn’t like your joke. (62) Say it wasn’t a joke. That it can be proven with math. (63) Take out notepad. (63a) Write down the logarithm used to explain the whorish nature of lawyers’ wives. (63b) Show it to the copy editor. (64) Watch the copy editor nod his head in agreement. (65) Walk up to counter. (66) Tell the hostess that four more people are on the way. (67) Sit down at the table. (68) Order a diet coke. (69) Order onion rings. (70) Order seared tuna. (71) Eat food. (72) Make conversation with coworkers about world events. (73) Act like a caring person. (74) Ask for a second diet coke. (75) Look at watch. (76) Realize you are late for a meeting with the production manager. (77) Pay bill. (78) Run back to office.

One Million Steps to Greatness
part 1

Friday, August 15th, 2008

(1) Wake up. (2) Hit snooze. (3) Wake up. (4) Hit snooze. (5) Wake up. (5a) Listen to NPR. (5b) Find out traffic is jammed on the Blue Route. (5c) Find out Chinese Women’s Gymnastic Team is made up of 12 year-olds. (6) Hit Snooze. (7) Wake up. (8) Think about coffee. (9) Get out of bed. (10) Take apart stove-top percolator. (11) Clean out whatever is growing in bottom chamber of stove-top percolator. (11a) Think about what that stuff could be. (12) Fill machine with water. (13) Realize there is no more coffee. (14) Punch refrigerator. (15) Fill large coffee cup with water. (15a) Look for tea. (16) Put tea bag in cup. (17) Microwave for 00:02:34. (18) Open Microwave. (19) Drink tea. (20) Burn mouth. (21) Put down cup. (22) Turn on TV. (23) Eat cereal. (24) Drink tea. (25) Carry bicycle outside. (26) Check tires. (27) Ride bicycle to town. (28) Get cut off by Ford Excursion. (29) Continue riding bicycle up to red light. (30) Slap hood of Ford Excursion as you ride by on bicycle. (31) Listen to Ford Excursion driver yell obscenities. (32) Continue riding bicycle. (33) Look back to see Ford Excursion stuck in traffic. (34) Ride bicycle up on sidewalk. (35) Dismount. (35a) Lock up bicycle. (35b) Take off helmet. (36) Push “up” button. (37) Get in elevator. (38) Say hello to receptionist. (39) Sit in chair. (40) Say hello to copy editor. (41) Say hello to photographer. (42) Take off sneakers. (42a) Put on loafers. (43) Unroll pants. (44) Say hello to production manager. (45) Turn on computer. (45a) Click “check for updates”. (46) Work on advertisement. (47) Reduce point size of body copy. (48) Increase logo size by 54%, as requested by client. (49) Make fun of client with copy editor. (49a) Laugh. (49b) Listen to copy editor laugh. (50) Log billable hours.

Golfer Spotted on Bus–
Going Green?

Sunday, August 10th, 2008

During a recent bus ride I spotted a golfer on the bus. Are green marketing tactics finally affecting people? Or is the economy so bad that even golfers, a species once famous for driving fancy cars and being really cool, are being forced to cut corners like every one else.

This brings up a great point though.* Could going green actually save us money? Yes, and being a cheap skate is the greatest immediate logistical reason to go green. Barack Obama is right about checking our tire pressure, but this is only the beginning.

I propose we have separate buses for the rich. While this harbinger pictured below was willing to swallow his pride and cram on the shame train with the rest of us, golf clubs and all, most golfers are not willing to make this sacrifice. Having separate “Rich Person Motor Coaches” (a normal bus repainted to look like wood paneling) would encourage them to conserve resources by using semi-public transportation. It would also mean less drunk golfers on the road, fewer pedestrian casualties, and as a result fewer people in the hospital using up electricity to run their life support mechanisms. This would snowball into a giant slip ‘n’ slide of environmental savings. Let’s do it.

If I can change, and golfers can change, we all can change.

*NOTE: This does not “beg the question“. If you thought it did, please click on the link and do some reading, so that next time you are in a meeting, you can use this phrase correctly and not degrade this language any further. Thank you.

The Moment of Truth Returns August 28 on FOX

Tuesday, August 5th, 2008

It has been months since the season finale of The Moment of Truth on FOX. I knew something had been missing from my weekly routine and on August 28, 2008 I can get back to feeling good about myself, by comparing myself to the scumbags on this show. Great.

There is something amazing about a show that pays people to ruin their lives on national television. This isn’t some Real World garbage, where at the end they shake hands and go their separate ways. These people are ruining their real lives that they have to go home to at the end of the show. Any honest person will tell you they love gossip, and this show is like rocket powered gossip that sells crack to grade school kids and then screws every person in your office. Good job FOX. No one knows as much about being a big sack of scumbags like FOX does, just ask Nas.

What I Haven’t Seen Before- Part 1

Friday, August 1st, 2008

1. A lamp made of candy

2. A space train to the moon

3. The largest bale of snakes on the east coast

4. Eyeball stew

5. A sailboat popping a wheelie

6. The man with a mustache made of fingernails

7. Pinstripe Vodka

8. A person who can outsmart a computer

9. A monkey that can outsmart a person

10. A tuxedo made of garbage bags

NOTE: If either of the people who read my blog have seen any of this stuff, please let me know. We will corner the market and get rich the next day. Keep in touch. Thanks.