Archive for the ‘One Million Steps to Greatness’ Category

One Million Steps to Greatness part 3

Thursday, September 18th, 2008

(79) Don’t pay attention to stop lights as you run back to the office. (80) Step out in front of a man driving an electric scooter the wrong way on 18th Street. (81) Allow the man to run over your foot. (81a) Sit down in a chair reserved for al fresco dining. (81a) Remove shoe. (81b) Remove sock. (81c) Make sure your foot is not broken. (82) Realize your foot is broken. (83) Call the hospital on your cell phone. (84) Ask how much it costs to take an ambulance to the hospital. (85) Put shoe back on. (85a) Stand up. (86) Limp out to curb. (87) Hail a cab. (88) Tell driver to take you to the hospital.  (89) Get out of car. (90) Listen to the driver yell at you in an unfamiliar dialect. (91) Realize you did not pay him. (92) Pay the asshole. (93) Limp into hospital. (94) Follow signs to Emergency Room. (94a) Get sick of waiting. (94b) Leave emergency room. (94c) Follow signs to Foot Doctor. (95) Push “up” button. (96) Get in elevator. (97) Push “5” button. (98) Move over to allow space for others in elevator. (99) Scream obscenities at the woman standing on your foot. (100) Get out of elevator. (101) Find a garbage can. (101a) Remove shoe while balancing against the wall. (101b) Dump blood out of shoe into garbage can. (101c) Put on shoe. (102) Answer cell phone. (103) Tell production manager you won’t be coming to the meeting because you have a broken foot. (104) Wipe blood off cell phone. (105) Put phone in pocket. (106) Get foot fixed. (107) Listen to the doctors joke about your injury in the next room. (108) Think about what their heads would look like in an aquarium full of embalming fluid on you desk. (109) Laugh. (110) Take a cab back to the office. (111) Tell copy editor where you have been for the last five hours. (112) Restart computer. (113) Check e-mail.

One Million Steps to Greatness part 2

Saturday, August 30th, 2008

(51) Go to hallway. (52) Push down button. (53) Get in elevator. (54) Step sideways to allow space for lawyers in elevator. (54a) Smell seven different brands of cologne. (54b) Start to feel sick from the smell of cologne. (55) Ask copy editor if he knows what group of professionals typically has wives and lovers that are dirty rotten whores. (55a) Wait for the copy editor to shrug his shoulders. (56) Say “Lawyers”. (57) Watch daylight appear between the elevator doors. (58) Punch your way through the vaporous cloud of stink. (59) Run outside. (59a) Wait for the copy editor around the corner. (60) Ask the copy editor what took him so long. (61) Listen to the copy editor tell you the lawyers didn’t like your joke. (62) Say it wasn’t a joke. That it can be proven with math. (63) Take out notepad. (63a) Write down the logarithm used to explain the whorish nature of lawyers’ wives. (63b) Show it to the copy editor. (64) Watch the copy editor nod his head in agreement. (65) Walk up to counter. (66) Tell the hostess that four more people are on the way. (67) Sit down at the table. (68) Order a diet coke. (69) Order onion rings. (70) Order seared tuna. (71) Eat food. (72) Make conversation with coworkers about world events. (73) Act like a caring person. (74) Ask for a second diet coke. (75) Look at watch. (76) Realize you are late for a meeting with the production manager. (77) Pay bill. (78) Run back to office.

One Million Steps to Greatness
part 1

Friday, August 15th, 2008

(1) Wake up. (2) Hit snooze. (3) Wake up. (4) Hit snooze. (5) Wake up. (5a) Listen to NPR. (5b) Find out traffic is jammed on the Blue Route. (5c) Find out Chinese Women’s Gymnastic Team is made up of 12 year-olds. (6) Hit Snooze. (7) Wake up. (8) Think about coffee. (9) Get out of bed. (10) Take apart stove-top percolator. (11) Clean out whatever is growing in bottom chamber of stove-top percolator. (11a) Think about what that stuff could be. (12) Fill machine with water. (13) Realize there is no more coffee. (14) Punch refrigerator. (15) Fill large coffee cup with water. (15a) Look for tea. (16) Put tea bag in cup. (17) Microwave for 00:02:34. (18) Open Microwave. (19) Drink tea. (20) Burn mouth. (21) Put down cup. (22) Turn on TV. (23) Eat cereal. (24) Drink tea. (25) Carry bicycle outside. (26) Check tires. (27) Ride bicycle to town. (28) Get cut off by Ford Excursion. (29) Continue riding bicycle up to red light. (30) Slap hood of Ford Excursion as you ride by on bicycle. (31) Listen to Ford Excursion driver yell obscenities. (32) Continue riding bicycle. (33) Look back to see Ford Excursion stuck in traffic. (34) Ride bicycle up on sidewalk. (35) Dismount. (35a) Lock up bicycle. (35b) Take off helmet. (36) Push “up” button. (37) Get in elevator. (38) Say hello to receptionist. (39) Sit in chair. (40) Say hello to copy editor. (41) Say hello to photographer. (42) Take off sneakers. (42a) Put on loafers. (43) Unroll pants. (44) Say hello to production manager. (45) Turn on computer. (45a) Click “check for updates”. (46) Work on advertisement. (47) Reduce point size of body copy. (48) Increase logo size by 54%, as requested by client. (49) Make fun of client with copy editor. (49a) Laugh. (49b) Listen to copy editor laugh. (50) Log billable hours.